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Irresponsible vs Coward

Why asking this question in the first place? #

The question came up when I think about the things I want to do with my time. I have already established, at least up to this point, that I want to use my time to create things that people will use. Furthermore, I have decided that I will use my interests as the fuel for my work.

Right now the the things I’m interested in creating the most are things related to technology, as it has the most impact in the world. I truly believe that cutting-edge technologies are the leading pointers of growth for humanity. So technology-related, got it.

Engineering people are the nearest to creating tangible values. Therefore engineering work would be the best fit for my ambition. Let’s consider the current position I am at for things to be clearer. I’m studying in an almost non-related field in my Bachelor’s degree in Business IT. It is non-related because my degree is not titled as an Engineering degree but Business instead. I think that is what the degree title should be when I look at its curriculum, which is filled with business courses coupled with a sprinkle of web development courses. So I am not blaming the degree or the university at all, it is absolutely not their fault. The reason why I’ve gotten into this position is lengthy and I don’t think it is productive right now to dig further into that direction.

Right now it is not going well supplementing my full-time study in engineering with self-studying through books while learning about the subjects that don’t align with my goals in my official study time. I’m constantly distracted by university assignments. That is very inefficient and counterproductive when the engineering work I want to do isn’t even crossing paths with business.

The critical Y-Intersection #

I can see two choices in front of me that I can steer into. The two paths lead to two outcomes that are very distinct from each other.

The first option is that I make a sharp turn, where I drop most of my current credits for my current Business IT degree - which will be done in approx. one more year, if I continue of course - to start pursuing a formal degree in engineering, either still in Finland or outside of it. This will lead to a formal engineering job, where I get to learn more from fellow engineers and get the clearest view of the industry that I’ll be working in. I can imagine spending all of my time working on problems that I care about, and with the people that are as invested as me in such problems. This path is exciting to think about and will continue to be excited if things go in the right direction.

But this gives me worries for the current moment. Dropping everything to start all over again is always not something pleasant to do, because it has its reasons. The insecurities on the outcomes and the fear of losing everything I currently have are the two most visible reasons. The difficulties that I have to go through in order to put my foot in that direction are innumerous, and it is not light on my mind to think about them.

The second pathway can simply explained by the word “complacent”. Elaborated out, it would be that I stay right here where I am, finish my degree, get an internship in web dev - which I’m drained just to think about - work in the web dev field, and always be eager to go home to further study engineering. But then, the engineering studies that I use will only satisfy my curiosity, but they are not practical. I will not be able to use that knowledge to go solve important problems in the industry. I cannot create things beyond some hobby projects, because I alone cannot ever create big, impactful things. After all, they are big and, therefore require multiple invested minds to work on.

The shiny part of this direction is that it keeps everybody at ease, because of the thing called “stability”. If I take this path, the world around me will be calm, everyone won’t have to be worried all the time because no turbulence will wake them up. Then perhaps, the only thing that will still be in a rumble state is my aching headache every day, thinking that I have chosen complacent instead of risking, bearing through against the odds that not only me will be satisfied if things turn out positive, but also the world in which generations will be living in the future is benefited as well. I’m not saying that my work will surely matter if I am an actual engineer instead of a hobbyist, but oh how ignorant, how naive I would be if I think that an engineer with a burning curiosity in his heart will not give out any notable value to the world. But hey, everybody else in my life will vaguely smile at me when we face each other every now and then, which is good enough, right? Good enough?

Standing at the Y-Intersection #

Here I am, finding myself looking at the two choices in front of my face. Sad, worry, pride, hope, cowardness, joy, curiosity, interest, and uncertainty, are now, consuming all of my thoughts. If I could know how things will turn out if I choose one or another, then I can confidently make this gigantic step. But I can’t know, so here I stand, turning my head left, then right, then back to left again, unable to lift my overly heavy foot up.